Anybody ever wish they didn’t have teeth, and everything could just be swallowed whole with no problems at all? Or maybe just a whole mouth full of razor-sharp, solid steel teeth like Jaws from the 007 movies? Well I sure do. This one time, I got a coupon to go get a teeth cleaning, because I have no dental coverage to go and do it regularly. Here is my story…..
SHIT MAN….CANNOT BELIEVE I WOKE UP 15 MINUTES BEFORE MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT…..WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING HITTING SNOOZE SO MANY TIMES…..I JUST HAD TO CATCH THAT LAST HOUR OF CONAN FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER FIVE HOURS OF CALL OF DUTY….SHIT MAN….SSSSHHHHIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay. I am dressed, on my way, and impressively brushing my teeth while whizzing through traffic. It is still awe inspiring to me, the things you can do when you have to do them. (Like when you have to shoot a horse after it breaks its leg. Or when you have to shoot your friend for borrowing your favorite jacket without asking.) I drive for roughly twelve minutes or so before I wake up enough to realize, I don’t know where the hell I am even going.
I look at the back of my free-teeth cleaning coupon to look at the address, only to realize it is in a very bad part of Dallas. I’m not talking bad just for small town white guys like myself. I’m talking bad for everyone. Captain America wouldn’t even clean these streets. And Oscar the Grouch sure as fuck wouldn’t live there either. I decide to jimmy my steering wheel off and carry it around with me, just in case I needed to use it to bust a fool up. I also decide to wait until I’m off the road and parked before I try and do so. Definitely a good idea to not die before I get my free cleaning. I hate wasting good coupons.
I find a spot to park old Betsy and get out. I take one last good look at her (while she is not stripped and put up on blocks), and start trekking up the side of the building to find the entrance to the dentist. There are alot of doors on the building, but no signs as far as which offices are which. I see a couple of the common locals standing against the side of the building, freestyle rapping. So I candidly walk up to them and ask them if they know which door was that of Dr. Soapdish’s office? They both stop rapping. One of them spits on the ground right next to me. The other says nothing, but just lifts up the front of his shirt only to reveal a shiny .38 caliber hanging out of his jeans. They must be out-of-towners too. At that point, I just start peeking into doors until I see one that most closely resembled a dentist office.
I walk in and see a very lovely woman sitting at the front desk. And when I say lovely, I mean she looked something like this.
Somebody has gotta wanna bag and tag that eventually, right?
“Hello!” I say, smiling my freshly brushed teeth. ” I had an appointment for a teeth cleaning this morning. I am the one with the $80 coupon. I hope I am not too late.”
” Name, please?” she said. She had to have roughly somewhere between 3 and 13 pieces of Juicy Fruit in her mouth.
“ Nicholas Irion” I replied. I gave them a different name, just in case my check bounced. I sorta have a gambling problem. But I am sure Nick is good for it. Theatre actors make great money.
“First room on ya left. The doctor will be in to see you shortly.” she said. She was starting to give me one of those looks. The kind of look a starving tiger gives a t-bone steak right before it is ready to pounce. This is not what a sleep deprived young man needs from a large African American receptionist. As I turned to walk towards the waiting rooms, I felt a slight pinch on my behind. My walk turned quickly into a dead sprint for the first room on the left.
This place was unlike any dentist office I had ever been to before. For one thing, there was no running water. For another thing, I could hear the very distinct sound of a woman’s moan coming from just the down the hall. And the wallpaper/carpet pattern was all kinds of strange. It didn’t come close to matching, or at least even complementing each other. I started getting real nervous. Maybe this wasn’t even a dentist office. Maybe it was a Nazi prison camp.
Just then, Dr. Soapdish walked in the room. He looked a little something like this.
His fluoride treatments are Flavalicious.
Soapdish: ”Good day to ya my nig! I’m Doctor Soapdish. What seems to be wrong witcha grill today?”
Me: “Oh uh nothing special doctor. I am just here for a reutine teeth cleaning.”
Soapdish: “You want da gold package or da platinum package wit dat?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Soapdish: “Man, you want a gold grill put on or a platinum grill put on?”
Me: “Neither. I just came here for a teeth cleaning.”
Soapdish: “Man, nobody comes here an just gets a teeth cleanin! Now you gonna buy some yay with that grill or no?”
Me: “What?….no no no….I don’t want any of that stuff. I can only afford a teeth cleaning and I have to use a coupon at that. So please doctor….if I may, I would just like my teeth cleaning now.”
Soapdish: “Aight fine. But everyone of my teeth cleanins comes wit a complementary hoe for da afternoon. Will dat be a problem witcha?”
Me: “Will she be covered in the coupon?”
Soapdish: “Sho’ enough”
Me: “Absolutely I don’t have a problem with that. She doesn’t have the clap does she?”
Better safe than sorry I say. I get my teeth cleaning, and take my hoe and steering wheel back to old Betsy. Her hoe name was Silver (her real name was Anna). I take her back to my bachelor pad(parent’s house) and we get to down to business. She informs me that, even though she was covered with the coupon, fucking evidently was not. I had no cash, so she watched me play Call of Duty until I passed out. I woke up to a missing TV and Xbox. All in a days work.
Fin.
