The License

Aloha ass bandits! Prof. Box here, taking a little time to tell you a little short story of mine. I don’t quite know what it is, but there is just something about the warm summer air that brings the love out of people. It seems like everyone I know are either married, planning a wedding, getting engaged, talking about getting engaged, or scaring the bejeezes outta their half-drunk boyfriends with talks of rings and such (Kylebaby, this is your cue to run like the shit is about to drip, and never ever look back!).

Anyway, being the responsible young scant that I am, I decide that I better go ahead and get myself a marriage license. Even though I have not had a relationship in about 3 years, or a pregnancy scare in about 3 weeks, I decide it is better to be prepared just in case I meet that Misses Right. Whom, I am hoping will look something like this.

It takes DECADES for the wheels to start falling off of a woman like that.

 

However, I have accepted that the woman I am destined to be with will most likely look something like this.

Laugh all you want. This REALLY is somebody's grandma, asshole.

 

I wake up bright and early one morning to see if I couldn’t beat the lines at the courthouse. Also, I have been itching so bad to sneak up on the sun before he peeks his little head over the horizon. That son of a bitch gave me an awful sunburn last weekend, so I wanna make sure the first thing HE sees on this morning is my full mooned ass! Too bad the sun doesn’t come up at 11:30. I was so close this time. I put my socksies and shoesies on, and rollout.

I’m a little nervous at this point. I have never had a reason to go to the county courthouse before, and government folks have always made me more than a little uncomfortable. But at least I looked damn good while doing it. I decided to put on a tuxedo for this occasion. I know its a bit much, but hell I did it for every other license I ever got. The ladies at the DPS office always loved it. Maybe not so much whenever I insisted on them slow dancing with me after they took the picture. But hey I am a gentleman. I would have let them lead if they wanted to.

I walk inside the door of the courthouse, and see a woman sitting behind a desk. Her name tag said Martha. She looked more like a Prudence. She told me, “My middle name is Prudence, ya nosey jerk! Now how may I help you?” Evidently I was thinking my thought bubble out loud. Courthouse mistake number one. “Where do I go to get a marriage license at?”, I ask her with a smile. Her identification badge shimmered in the light with authority. My level of sweating had risen to profusely now.

“Uh second door just down the hall on your right.”, she said, giving me a very confused look as she cocked her head to the left and to the right to see if anyone else was with me. I must have been the first one there today. I walked into the room for the marriage licenses and it was empty. Jackpot. I stroll right on up to the handsome judge sitting behind the glass. His name tag said Jasper.

Jasper: “Yes sir. How may I help you?”

Me: “Good afternoon, your honor….”

Jasper: “Sir, I am not a judge.”

Me: “Oops my B! What shall I call you then, your honor?”

Jasper: “Mr. Jones will be fine.”

Me: “Alright then Jonesy. What I need is a marriage license.”

Jasper: “You came alone? I need both parties present in order to do a marriage license.”

Me: “Uhh….both parties?”

Jasper: “Yes….you and your future spouse.”

Me: “Oh that bitch! Yeah, I haven’t met her yet. This is just a precautionary license. You know kinda like how rubbers are a precautionary to kids.”

Jasper: “…..I’m afraid I don’t follow you there, sir?”

Me: “Look Captain Jo-Jo, here is the skinny….I’m good and single right now, but I don’t wanna meet a girl, fall in love, plan on getting married, and then don’t because the line to get one of these things is out the door. Like when you try to get tickets to a Paul McCartney concert….ya just can’t do it man!…..I wanna get it out of the way is what I am sayin.”

Jasper: “Yeah….it doesn’t really work that way, sir.”

Me: “Oh really…..not even for a few of your favorite presidents?”

I reach into my coat pocket and pull out four crumpled up bills and slam them visibly against the glass. All of them ones. Courthouse mistake number two.

Jasper: “Sir, this is a government institution. It is highly illegal to accept any sort of bribe or gift.”

Me: “Wow!….you are no fun at all my man. I don’t know how your assumed wife lives with you!”

Jasper: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Is there another judge in this building who can get me my license, or are you the only scrotbag who can do it?”

Jasper: “I think you need to leave this building before I have you thrown in jail.”

Me: “Whatever your honor….I’m out of here. You can go eat one!”

No, I did not get my marriage license that day. But I did learn a few valuable lessons. Marriage isn’t about being prepared. It is about two people wanting to spend the rest of their lives in the warmth of each others undying affection for one another. And that the people who aren’t planning marriage, shouldn’t feel the pressures that their marriage seeking loved ones place upon them. I also learned that wearing a tuxedo in jail does not get you any special treatments by the guards or other cellmates. Whoda thunk that one?

Fin.